What I've learned

People don't change, no matter how much you want them to.

Trying to be the person you think everyone wants you to be doesn't work.

You can't trust anyone.

People don't care as much as they pretend to.

There are more people in this world that will try and put out the fire in your heart, than will keep it burning strong.

The hate in one's soul will eventually shine through.

It doesn't get easier, you just get used to it.

And in the end, everyone leaves.

Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing on the lifeboats.

Well, grade eleven has been one hell of a year. I'm glad it happened and I'm glad I got through it, and more than anything I'm glad it's done.

It's just been one thing after another. My grandmother died and when I was at the lowest point in my life and I didn't think I could even get out of bed, let alone be a good and supportive friend, half of my friends decided they hate me and don't care to know me anymore.

And then my grandfather got sick.

And then my dog died.

And then my grades started to slip.

And then I started fighting with the people who care most about me.

I guess I've sort of been putting off writing about this topic because I have so much to say and I'm not really sure how to say it.

All in all, grade eleven has been a crappy year, but it did show me that I am strong and that even when it seems like the whole world is against me, I can make it through.

This year has shown me a lot about other people, too. I've learned who I can and cannot trust. I've learned that no matter how much you do for a person, that sometimes it just doesn't matter. I've learned that there are some people who will never change. Mostly, I've learned who are my true friends, and who are the fake friends.

I'm not going to pretend that what happened this year didn't hurt. I'm not going to say that there aren't times when I'm laying in bed, trying to fall asleep and I don't miss the way things used to be. Anyone who says they can end a friendship without feeling anything is lying.

That being said, I'm happier now. I think that what hurt the most isn't that I'm not friends with certain people anymore, it's the careless and heartless way they were to me when I needed them the most.

I guess all you can do in this world is take the hand dealt to you and do your best with it. When you're dealt a shitty hand, all you can do is play your best and keep smiling.

Let it be.

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn’t you had inside, and it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wondering what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light of day and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new, and you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

The Holiday

You meant something to me.

Nanny,

I miss you so much.

I miss everything about you. I want nothing more than to see you right now.

I want you to know that we will never, ever forget you.

I will never forget about your laugh that could spread to every single person who heard it.

I’ll never forget about the many times we sat on your deck this summer.

I’ll never forget about the love you shared with everyone and everything that crossed your path. Be it a friend, family, an acquaintance or even a stray cat.

I’ll never forget about your strength. Even if you lost in the end, you fought hard.

I’ll never forget the way you could make me laugh.

I’ll never forget the way I always wanted to talk to you.

I’ll never forget your amazing Caesar salad.

I’ll never forget being able to hear you laugh from across the lake.

I’ll never forget going for boat rides with you on the pontoon boat.

I’ll never forget your sarcasm.

I’ll never forget when you told me how much you loved Buppy.

I’ll never forget your incredible sense of humour.

I’ll never forget the time when you cried, the day I got a good haircut.

I’ll never forget going camping with you this summer.

I’ll never forget when I found out that you died.

I’ll never forget how many people were at your visitation, how many people loved you.

I’ll never forget how many people told me how much you loved us.

I love you so much.

I will never forget you.

I miss you

Nanny,

There isn't a second that goes by that I'm not thinking of you. I found a voice recording the other day of everyone sitting around the campfire. It was funny and nice and then all of a sudden you spoke and it was like someone had punched me in the stomach. I still listen to it every now and then when I can manage to find the strength.

I want to scream and yell and throw things because it just wasn't fair. You were too young. You had so much life left in you until the very end. I remember going to visit you in the hospital and you were demanding Pepsi and questioning the nurses. That was the person I knew and loved so much. You weren't a little 90 year old lady who was ready to go. You were my Nanny. This wasn't supposed to happen.

I cry myself to sleep every night because I miss you so much. Every single thing that happens in my life, I want to share with you.

I expected it would have gotten easier by now but it hasn't. If anything its only gotten harder.

I'm going to the lake tomorrow for the first time since you died. I know that I'm going to go in that door expecting to be seeing you and your warm smile sitting in your favorite chair. I can't even explain this feeling. Loss and regret and pain and more than that all put together in a knot in my stomach that continues to grow every day.

I just miss you I guess. I miss you so much.

I love you and I will always love you.

There's nothing I want more than to see you again.

I will never, ever forget you, Nanny.

Rest In Peace

I've had so many words, but I had no courage

I’m not going to act like this is okay anymore.

All this lying, cheating, manipulating – it has to stop.

I don’t know if you realize, or care for that matter, but you’ve hurt so many people.

For some reason, you’ve always been able to find your way back into everyone’s good graces.

But not mine – not anymore.

I’m not going to sit idly by anymore while you slowly but surely destroy friendships one at a time.

You’ve almost become untouchable, because everyone is willing to turn a blind eye to all this pain and suffering you’ve caused me and the people I care about.

I’m done.

Get ready for a reality check.

I know that every friendship will have it's ups and downs, but this is giving me whip lash.

I'm just tired.

Everything that I do, nothing ever seems to be good enough for you. You’re impossible to please. Yet again and again, I try. I make an effort, and I get nothing in return.
You take life too seriously.
This time last year, we were good enough. What changed?
You’ve changed her. You’ve ruined her.
You’re hurt. You’re bruised. Despite the pain you feel, you still have a smile on your face. You’re an inspiration.
Maybe I’m over reacting, but you lied to me today.
I sometimes think that you don’t really care about any of us.
You’ve made me appreciate what I’ve been given that much more. You have two amazing daughters, asking for your attention and love. Open your eyes.
You have no idea how small you make me feel.

All good things end eventually, but I wish you would have stayed.

What changed? Or should I say – who changed?
I don’t think I changed. Maybe you think I did. I don’t know why you would think that, because I’m still the same person you used to call your best friend. I’m still the person you used to talk to every time you signed onto msn. I’m still the person you used to spend time with. I’m still the person you used to wave to in the halls.
But to you, I am none of those things.
It was never awkward for us. Even when we weren’t good friends, I never thought talking to you was awkward. Now it is. For the first time in our friendship, I don’t know how to talk to you. I don’t know what will make you upset. Because I don’t know what’s making you upset in the beginning.
You’ve made accusations based on nothing. You think we changed. You think we hate you. You think we hate him.
The only thing he could ever do that would make me hate him is if he hurt you. As far as I can tell he hasn’t. I could be wrong. I haven’t talked to you in a long time.
I don’t hate him though. And I certainly don’t hate you.
“You could punch me in the face, and I wouldn’t be mad at you.”
What happened to that?
What happened to a friendship that would never end.
I miss you so much.
I’m not mad. I’m hurt. I’m so filled with a feeling of abandon.
How can you just forget everything we’ve been through? We were always there for each other.
No matter who was mad at me, or what fight had been happening, I was always sure I had you to fall back on. Now I’m not so sure.
What changed?

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.

I want to live.
I want to try almost everything at least once.
I want to experience the world.
I want to know things.
I want to see things.
I want to see the good things, and I want to see the bad things.
I want to put some good in the world that wasn’t there before.
I want to be out of my comfort zone.
I don’t want to follow the rules.
I don’t want to do what’s expected of me.
I want to march to the beat of my own drum.
I don’t want my future decided for me.
I want to make my own rules.
I want to live my own life.

"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live."