everything.

sometimes, i get a lot of ideas in my head for posts to write, but i can't think of something long enough to write, to actually post it here. there are some things i feel like i just need to get out there. that is the reason for this post.

i notice people staring at me, and i hear people telling me that i'm pretty. but when i look in the mirror, i don't know what they find so pretty. i actually think i'm very plain.

i always try and do the right thing, even if no one will ever know. its because if there really is someone watching me, or some way of people finding out, i want them to think that i'm a good person.

i'm so happy when i'm with my friends, but when i'm alone i feel so empty. i have way too much time to think.

i feel all the time like i can't do anything right, and everyone is expecting me to fail. the only reaon i try and get good grades and succeed isn't to have a good future, it's to prove those people wrong who think i can't do it.

my uncle was killed about five years ago by terrorists in saudi arabia. he wasn't a soldier, he wasn't there to fight. he was just on a buisness trip. a little while before he died, my family pitched in to buy my grandfather a robert bateman painting and my uncle had signed the card. by the time my grandfather opened the card, my uncle was dead. that day he cried harder than i've ever seen a grown man cry before. i walked over and curled up on his lap, and we just stayed there. not talking, or hugging. just crying. it was probably the hardest day of my life.

even if no one ever reads this, i will still feel better about posting these things. i don't post my feelings about others to avoid conflict, i post them so that i can feel like im telling people how i feel without having to direct it at one person. i guess it's a way for me to put my emotions and thoughts into the world, yet still feel like they're my own.

Drugs are marvelous if you want to escape, but reality is so rich, why escape?

I just thought you should know that I'm not dissapointed.
I'm not mad.
I know you're having a hard time, and that this is the only thing that will make you happy.
I hope someday, you will see that drugs won't make you happy. It's the people around you, and more importantly, you that will really and truly make you happy.
I just hope you don't ever get to the point where your health, safety or life are in danger. Because I wouldn't be able to live without you.
But right now, if you just want to be numb, I can live with that.
I love you so much, and I just want you to be okay.

If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them.

I wish I could have known you.
I was very young when you were taken from us.
It still feels sometimes like you’re still here.
You’re still in Texas, and you’ll come home next Christmas.
When I think about you, I can’t help but cry.
If I could tell you one thing, it would be how loved you were, and still are.
The hole that is left in our family will never be filled.
I have a couple memories.
You scooping me up in a big hug. Or tickling me.
I wish I had more.
I treasure the gifts I have from you.
They sit on my desk, right in the center.
I’m glad you and my mom were able to work out your differences before it was too late.
When you were in the hospital, you told them that more than anything, you wish you could be home right now. I wish that too. I wish you would have been home, so I could have told you that even though I didn’t know you, I loved you just the same.
More than anything, I wish you were still here.
We loved you, we still do, and we always will.
You will always be in my heart.
Rest In Peace, Uncle Thom.
I miss you.

just me.

I’m awkward.
I’m quiet, if you don’t know me.
I’m not a good dancer.
I’m nervous.
I don’t know how to react to compliments.
I don’t open up easily.
I have strong opinions.
I’m very insecure.
I don’t make the first move.
I don’t like to admit that I’m wrong.
I’m not a flirt.
But, if you look past all those things,
you will find that
I’ll never turn my back on you.
I’ll never purposefully cause you pain.
I would never be unfaithful.
I’ll be there for you when you need to talk.
I’ll be there when you need to laugh.
Above all, I’ll be your friend.
I would never turn my back on a friendship.
And once I fall for you,
You will never find anyone who could love you more.

the seasons have changed, and so have we.

you've become blind to his harmful ways. i can only hope that one day you will realize he isn't right for you. you are an amazing, beautiful and talented person - i just hope that one day you will be able to see that. i love you so much, and i miss spending all my time with you.

i dont know what i can say to make you understand how amazing and wonderful you are. you don't need to change your appearance. i think you are a lot better looking than you think you are. i love you so much, but you really need to start to love yourself.

i know you've been having a really hard time with a lot of the things in your life, like family and friends but i promise they will get better. people who are as kind and generous as you are deserve true happiness and i know that someday you will find it. i love you more than you know, and i can't believe i got by all these years without you by my side.

i don't know why you constantly feel the need to put people down. just let it slide and move on. if you continue being the way you are, you won't have many friends left at the end of the day.

you're getting better. you are stronger than you think you are. you can do this. you know i'll always be here.

even though we've just recently become friends, i dont know what i would do without you. you are so kind and funny and talented. i don't think you've quite realized how much you are capable of, but i strongly believe that no matter what it is, if you set your mind to it, you will accomplish it.

i know the things you say about me behind my back, and it really kills me. i've done everything i can do to be a good, supportive friend. what am i doing wrong?

why are you trying so hard to be like him? you're such an amazing, funny and kind person. please don't change.

you don't have the perfect relationship that you think you have. you did certain things way too early and now that is the sole focus of the relationship. he isn't helping you fix the problems in your life that so desperately need to be fixed.

Hate is easy, love takes courage.

I’m done with all the drama.
It’s too hard for me.
If you still want to get in fights and hurt people well then that’s up to you. I will listen if you want to vent, but I won’t have anything to say.
If you try and victimise yourself I won’t listen.
If you try and tell me that she hates you and that you don’t want to fight, I won’t believe you.
This is a two person argument.
You are both causing it.
You are both wrong, and you are both right.
There is no need for a third person to get involved. Including others will only hurt the situation.
At this point, confrontation cannot be avoided. If you ignore it and pass up opportunities to resolve it things will never be fixed.
I love you both so much, but I’m done with this.
You can do whatever you want, but this is it for me.
I’m not on your side anymore.

someone should send that bitch some mail.

happy now, ryan?

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.

I woke up this morning, with water to drink, food to eat, and a roof over my head. I woke up to parents who were happy to see me. I woke up with a room full of nice things. I woke up this morning and I took everything for granted.
I think because this is all we’ve ever known, we don’t see it as a privilege, but rather as a right. A right to health, and a right to have opportunities.
But right now I want to take a minute and think about those who live on the same planet we do, and yet have nothing. Those who live in the same country. Even those who live in the same town. I think in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten something. We’re so occupied with getting somewhere, and getting things done.
I just wish I could sit everyone down, and tell them that this is our world, these are their lives, this is something that is really happening and its something we can change. They need our help, and we have all the resources to save them. And yet we do nothing.
I haven’t lost faith in the people of this Earth. I think we’ve simply forgotten what it means to be a human. I think what we need is someone to remind all of us, what we are capable of. We need to make some very serious changes before it’s too late.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just a kid. I’m just a kid with a dream of world peace. A dream of a better tomorrow. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe there isn’t any chance that the people of this earth can come together, to save our world. But I have to hope that maybe there is a chance. Because without that hope, I don’t really have anything.

untitled.

I’m so sick and tired of the daily routine.
I force myself to get up, and hurry to make it out the door in time to see my friends before homeroom.
I make it through class until lunch.
At lunch I’m free.
I’m with my friends.
I’m happy.
Then, class comes again.
More sitting, waiting, staring at the clock.
Counting the minutes.
Until the end of the day.
Then I come home, with a long list of things to do.
Things which I know will never get done.
Before I know it, it’s late and I should go to bed.
None of the things I was hoping to accomplish were accomplished.
There’s a brief moment where I’m worried about dealing with it the next day.
Then I push it to the back of my mind where I won’t have to worry about it anymore.

Over and over, the same boring, meaningless, empty days.
I’m becoming less and less tolerant.
Something has to change.
I know I won’t be able to do this for the next 2 years.