everything.

sometimes, i get a lot of ideas in my head for posts to write, but i can't think of something long enough to write, to actually post it here. there are some things i feel like i just need to get out there. that is the reason for this post.

i notice people staring at me, and i hear people telling me that i'm pretty. but when i look in the mirror, i don't know what they find so pretty. i actually think i'm very plain.

i always try and do the right thing, even if no one will ever know. its because if there really is someone watching me, or some way of people finding out, i want them to think that i'm a good person.

i'm so happy when i'm with my friends, but when i'm alone i feel so empty. i have way too much time to think.

i feel all the time like i can't do anything right, and everyone is expecting me to fail. the only reaon i try and get good grades and succeed isn't to have a good future, it's to prove those people wrong who think i can't do it.

my uncle was killed about five years ago by terrorists in saudi arabia. he wasn't a soldier, he wasn't there to fight. he was just on a buisness trip. a little while before he died, my family pitched in to buy my grandfather a robert bateman painting and my uncle had signed the card. by the time my grandfather opened the card, my uncle was dead. that day he cried harder than i've ever seen a grown man cry before. i walked over and curled up on his lap, and we just stayed there. not talking, or hugging. just crying. it was probably the hardest day of my life.

even if no one ever reads this, i will still feel better about posting these things. i don't post my feelings about others to avoid conflict, i post them so that i can feel like im telling people how i feel without having to direct it at one person. i guess it's a way for me to put my emotions and thoughts into the world, yet still feel like they're my own.