I've had so many words, but I had no courage

I’m not going to act like this is okay anymore.

All this lying, cheating, manipulating – it has to stop.

I don’t know if you realize, or care for that matter, but you’ve hurt so many people.

For some reason, you’ve always been able to find your way back into everyone’s good graces.

But not mine – not anymore.

I’m not going to sit idly by anymore while you slowly but surely destroy friendships one at a time.

You’ve almost become untouchable, because everyone is willing to turn a blind eye to all this pain and suffering you’ve caused me and the people I care about.

I’m done.

Get ready for a reality check.

I know that every friendship will have it's ups and downs, but this is giving me whip lash.

I'm just tired.

Everything that I do, nothing ever seems to be good enough for you. You’re impossible to please. Yet again and again, I try. I make an effort, and I get nothing in return.
You take life too seriously.
This time last year, we were good enough. What changed?
You’ve changed her. You’ve ruined her.
You’re hurt. You’re bruised. Despite the pain you feel, you still have a smile on your face. You’re an inspiration.
Maybe I’m over reacting, but you lied to me today.
I sometimes think that you don’t really care about any of us.
You’ve made me appreciate what I’ve been given that much more. You have two amazing daughters, asking for your attention and love. Open your eyes.
You have no idea how small you make me feel.

All good things end eventually, but I wish you would have stayed.

What changed? Or should I say – who changed?
I don’t think I changed. Maybe you think I did. I don’t know why you would think that, because I’m still the same person you used to call your best friend. I’m still the person you used to talk to every time you signed onto msn. I’m still the person you used to spend time with. I’m still the person you used to wave to in the halls.
But to you, I am none of those things.
It was never awkward for us. Even when we weren’t good friends, I never thought talking to you was awkward. Now it is. For the first time in our friendship, I don’t know how to talk to you. I don’t know what will make you upset. Because I don’t know what’s making you upset in the beginning.
You’ve made accusations based on nothing. You think we changed. You think we hate you. You think we hate him.
The only thing he could ever do that would make me hate him is if he hurt you. As far as I can tell he hasn’t. I could be wrong. I haven’t talked to you in a long time.
I don’t hate him though. And I certainly don’t hate you.
“You could punch me in the face, and I wouldn’t be mad at you.”
What happened to that?
What happened to a friendship that would never end.
I miss you so much.
I’m not mad. I’m hurt. I’m so filled with a feeling of abandon.
How can you just forget everything we’ve been through? We were always there for each other.
No matter who was mad at me, or what fight had been happening, I was always sure I had you to fall back on. Now I’m not so sure.
What changed?

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.

I want to live.
I want to try almost everything at least once.
I want to experience the world.
I want to know things.
I want to see things.
I want to see the good things, and I want to see the bad things.
I want to put some good in the world that wasn’t there before.
I want to be out of my comfort zone.
I don’t want to follow the rules.
I don’t want to do what’s expected of me.
I want to march to the beat of my own drum.
I don’t want my future decided for me.
I want to make my own rules.
I want to live my own life.

"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live."

Go now and live.

Go now and live.
Experience. Dream. Risk. Close your eyes and jump. Enjoy the freefall. Choose exhilaration over comfort. Choose magic over predictability. Choose potential over safety. Wake up to the magic of everyday life. Make friends with your intuition. Trust your gut. Discover the beauty of uncertainty. Know yourself fully before you make promises to another. Make millions of mistakes so that you will know how to choose what you really need. Know when to hold on and when to let go. Love hard and often and without reservation. Seek knowledge. Open yourself up to possibility. Keep your heart open, your head high and your spirit free. Embrace your darkness along with your light. Be wrong once in a while and don’t be afraid to admit it. Awaken to the brilliance in ordinary moments. Tell the truth about yourself no matter what the cost. Own your reality without apology. See goodness in the world. Be bold. Be fierce. Be grateful. Be wild, crazy and gloriously free. Be you.
Go now and live.

-Jeanette Leblanc

you don't care, but it was the best moment of my life.

I was thinking about you again today. Remembering our past together. I realized something.
I realized that I have a hard time thinking of memories that make me smile. All I can remember when I think of you are the times when you would take my money, my food. When you would take me away from my friends and family. The only good memories I have are when you would compliment my appearance, or when you would tell me things like that I was the only who really cared about you.
I can see now that you never told me how much you cared about me. And that’s because I don’t think you ever really did. And that really tears me apart. It really kills me that after all we’ve been through, everything that happened, it was all a lie. I was a convienient way for money and food, but when it got to more, you ran away and then made me feel like it was all my fault.
The time we spent together meant more to me than you will ever know, but I can see now that it meant nothing to you.
There will always be a place in my heart for you, and it will take me a long time to get over this.
But, I need to forget you, please let me.
This hurts too much.
Your memory haunts everything I do.
Let me move on.

my favorite quote.

from the second lord of the rings.

“I can’t do this Sam.”
“I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like the in great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding on to something.”
“What are we holding onto, Sam?”
“That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.”

No matter what I do, I always forget to forget you.

You haven’t been on msn in a while.
I got used to you always being online.
Are you okay?
I need to know.
Even if it’s too hard to still have you in my life, I still need to make sure things are okay.
I hope you’ve found happiness.
I hope you’re safe.
I hope you’ve found love.
Last time I talked to you, you seemed to really have it together.
I hope the things you told me were true.
I miss you.
“I need to know that you are alive and well somewhere in this world, even if it’s not by my side.”

religion is an option, not an obligation.

If you don’t believe something is right, simply don’t do it.
I don’t know who told you that you had the right to decide how other people should live their lives.
Since when did what someone else chooses to do with their lives affect in any way how you live yours?
The thing I’ve always hated about organized religion is that some people think that because they have a certain belief, they have the right to dictate how others choose to live their lives.
If someone is a strong believer in god and Christianity, but happens to be gay, who’s to say that that person is going to hell?
Really?
Because they would rather be with a man then a woman, they are no longer worthy as a human being?
I am a strong believer in equal rights for everyone.
No one has the right to tell someone they can’t, or that they aren’t good enough.
Not me, not you, not your mother or father, not your priest, not your friends, not your teacher, not the prime minister, not the queen, not even your god.
Nobody.
If you’ve made the decision to follow a certain faith, go right ahead. I have nothing against you. If you don’t believe in something, that if completely and totally up to you. It’s when you start to tell other people what is right and wrong. That is when I have a problem with it.
Just because that is right for you doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone.

what lies behind us and what lies in front of us are tiny things compared to what lies within us.

For a couple of years now, I’ve had a plan for how I want the rest of my life to go.
I wanted to finish high school and go straight to university. I wanted to get my degree in education, and then after university, I wanted to start a career right away.
Recently things have started to change.
I still want to be a teacher, but I don’t have the intense desire to grow up anymore.
I definitely don’t want to spend any more time in high school then I need to, but I don’t feel like I have to start my future right away.
I’d definitely like to take a year off.
I’m going to live with Robin and Ryan.
I don’t want to, or hope to.
I am going to.
It doesn’t matter if people don’t think we can’t do it, or if you think we won’t have enough money.
We don’t need a beautiful apartment, with lots of space.
I’ll share a room. I’ll even sleep on the couch. I don’t care.
I definitely want to live downtown.
Downtown is where I’m happiest. It’s where I belong.
After that, I’ll start university.
It doesn’t all have to happen right away.
I don’t want to miss this.
I don’t want to wake up one day with kids and responsibilities and wonder where the time went.
I want to travel. When I say travel I don’t mean going to the fanciest restaurants and going to all the landmarks. I want to experience the culture. I want to understand how all the people of the world live their lives.
As much as I am excited to have a family, and a job, and a house, I want to take full advantage of my youth. I’ll never be any younger than I am at this moment.

happiness is a choice you make.

a list of things that i love.
family
friends
sunshine
pizza
going for walks
summer
naps
memories
pictures
when winter turns into spring
baggy sweaters
music
saturday
baths
fredericton
flowers
downtown
writing
when winter turns into spring
tanning
smoothies
the beatles
traveling
barbecues
kind strangers
canoeing
surprises
st. andrews
sleepovers
pizza
long socks
laughing
swimming
sleepovers
trampolines
the market
the lake
watching movies
board games
sleep
blogging
facebook creeping
getting organized
relaxing
love.

everything.

sometimes, i get a lot of ideas in my head for posts to write, but i can't think of something long enough to write, to actually post it here. there are some things i feel like i just need to get out there. that is the reason for this post.

i notice people staring at me, and i hear people telling me that i'm pretty. but when i look in the mirror, i don't know what they find so pretty. i actually think i'm very plain.

i always try and do the right thing, even if no one will ever know. its because if there really is someone watching me, or some way of people finding out, i want them to think that i'm a good person.

i'm so happy when i'm with my friends, but when i'm alone i feel so empty. i have way too much time to think.

i feel all the time like i can't do anything right, and everyone is expecting me to fail. the only reaon i try and get good grades and succeed isn't to have a good future, it's to prove those people wrong who think i can't do it.

my uncle was killed about five years ago by terrorists in saudi arabia. he wasn't a soldier, he wasn't there to fight. he was just on a buisness trip. a little while before he died, my family pitched in to buy my grandfather a robert bateman painting and my uncle had signed the card. by the time my grandfather opened the card, my uncle was dead. that day he cried harder than i've ever seen a grown man cry before. i walked over and curled up on his lap, and we just stayed there. not talking, or hugging. just crying. it was probably the hardest day of my life.

even if no one ever reads this, i will still feel better about posting these things. i don't post my feelings about others to avoid conflict, i post them so that i can feel like im telling people how i feel without having to direct it at one person. i guess it's a way for me to put my emotions and thoughts into the world, yet still feel like they're my own.

Drugs are marvelous if you want to escape, but reality is so rich, why escape?

I just thought you should know that I'm not dissapointed.
I'm not mad.
I know you're having a hard time, and that this is the only thing that will make you happy.
I hope someday, you will see that drugs won't make you happy. It's the people around you, and more importantly, you that will really and truly make you happy.
I just hope you don't ever get to the point where your health, safety or life are in danger. Because I wouldn't be able to live without you.
But right now, if you just want to be numb, I can live with that.
I love you so much, and I just want you to be okay.

If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them.

I wish I could have known you.
I was very young when you were taken from us.
It still feels sometimes like you’re still here.
You’re still in Texas, and you’ll come home next Christmas.
When I think about you, I can’t help but cry.
If I could tell you one thing, it would be how loved you were, and still are.
The hole that is left in our family will never be filled.
I have a couple memories.
You scooping me up in a big hug. Or tickling me.
I wish I had more.
I treasure the gifts I have from you.
They sit on my desk, right in the center.
I’m glad you and my mom were able to work out your differences before it was too late.
When you were in the hospital, you told them that more than anything, you wish you could be home right now. I wish that too. I wish you would have been home, so I could have told you that even though I didn’t know you, I loved you just the same.
More than anything, I wish you were still here.
We loved you, we still do, and we always will.
You will always be in my heart.
Rest In Peace, Uncle Thom.
I miss you.

just me.

I’m awkward.
I’m quiet, if you don’t know me.
I’m not a good dancer.
I’m nervous.
I don’t know how to react to compliments.
I don’t open up easily.
I have strong opinions.
I’m very insecure.
I don’t make the first move.
I don’t like to admit that I’m wrong.
I’m not a flirt.
But, if you look past all those things,
you will find that
I’ll never turn my back on you.
I’ll never purposefully cause you pain.
I would never be unfaithful.
I’ll be there for you when you need to talk.
I’ll be there when you need to laugh.
Above all, I’ll be your friend.
I would never turn my back on a friendship.
And once I fall for you,
You will never find anyone who could love you more.

the seasons have changed, and so have we.

you've become blind to his harmful ways. i can only hope that one day you will realize he isn't right for you. you are an amazing, beautiful and talented person - i just hope that one day you will be able to see that. i love you so much, and i miss spending all my time with you.

i dont know what i can say to make you understand how amazing and wonderful you are. you don't need to change your appearance. i think you are a lot better looking than you think you are. i love you so much, but you really need to start to love yourself.

i know you've been having a really hard time with a lot of the things in your life, like family and friends but i promise they will get better. people who are as kind and generous as you are deserve true happiness and i know that someday you will find it. i love you more than you know, and i can't believe i got by all these years without you by my side.

i don't know why you constantly feel the need to put people down. just let it slide and move on. if you continue being the way you are, you won't have many friends left at the end of the day.

you're getting better. you are stronger than you think you are. you can do this. you know i'll always be here.

even though we've just recently become friends, i dont know what i would do without you. you are so kind and funny and talented. i don't think you've quite realized how much you are capable of, but i strongly believe that no matter what it is, if you set your mind to it, you will accomplish it.

i know the things you say about me behind my back, and it really kills me. i've done everything i can do to be a good, supportive friend. what am i doing wrong?

why are you trying so hard to be like him? you're such an amazing, funny and kind person. please don't change.

you don't have the perfect relationship that you think you have. you did certain things way too early and now that is the sole focus of the relationship. he isn't helping you fix the problems in your life that so desperately need to be fixed.

Hate is easy, love takes courage.

I’m done with all the drama.
It’s too hard for me.
If you still want to get in fights and hurt people well then that’s up to you. I will listen if you want to vent, but I won’t have anything to say.
If you try and victimise yourself I won’t listen.
If you try and tell me that she hates you and that you don’t want to fight, I won’t believe you.
This is a two person argument.
You are both causing it.
You are both wrong, and you are both right.
There is no need for a third person to get involved. Including others will only hurt the situation.
At this point, confrontation cannot be avoided. If you ignore it and pass up opportunities to resolve it things will never be fixed.
I love you both so much, but I’m done with this.
You can do whatever you want, but this is it for me.
I’m not on your side anymore.

someone should send that bitch some mail.

happy now, ryan?

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.

I woke up this morning, with water to drink, food to eat, and a roof over my head. I woke up to parents who were happy to see me. I woke up with a room full of nice things. I woke up this morning and I took everything for granted.
I think because this is all we’ve ever known, we don’t see it as a privilege, but rather as a right. A right to health, and a right to have opportunities.
But right now I want to take a minute and think about those who live on the same planet we do, and yet have nothing. Those who live in the same country. Even those who live in the same town. I think in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten something. We’re so occupied with getting somewhere, and getting things done.
I just wish I could sit everyone down, and tell them that this is our world, these are their lives, this is something that is really happening and its something we can change. They need our help, and we have all the resources to save them. And yet we do nothing.
I haven’t lost faith in the people of this Earth. I think we’ve simply forgotten what it means to be a human. I think what we need is someone to remind all of us, what we are capable of. We need to make some very serious changes before it’s too late.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just a kid. I’m just a kid with a dream of world peace. A dream of a better tomorrow. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe there isn’t any chance that the people of this earth can come together, to save our world. But I have to hope that maybe there is a chance. Because without that hope, I don’t really have anything.

untitled.

I’m so sick and tired of the daily routine.
I force myself to get up, and hurry to make it out the door in time to see my friends before homeroom.
I make it through class until lunch.
At lunch I’m free.
I’m with my friends.
I’m happy.
Then, class comes again.
More sitting, waiting, staring at the clock.
Counting the minutes.
Until the end of the day.
Then I come home, with a long list of things to do.
Things which I know will never get done.
Before I know it, it’s late and I should go to bed.
None of the things I was hoping to accomplish were accomplished.
There’s a brief moment where I’m worried about dealing with it the next day.
Then I push it to the back of my mind where I won’t have to worry about it anymore.

Over and over, the same boring, meaningless, empty days.
I’m becoming less and less tolerant.
Something has to change.
I know I won’t be able to do this for the next 2 years.

my life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I feel like I’ve found my happiness again.
Not too long ago, I wrote about how unhappy I was, and how empty I felt.
Since then, I feel like I’ve found something inside.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with friends who have helped me see the little things in life that really make it worthwhile. That there are some people who will love me no matter what choices I make, and no matter what they will always love me. I’ve done some things that they don’t agree with but they’ve been supportive, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.
I used to think I was only happy when I was away from home. If I was with my friends then I was happy, but I see now that there are things that I feel my family is doing wrong when it comes to working together and being a happy family, but there are also things I could do better. I’ve been arguing with my parents more often than usual, but I finally see that its not just up to them. It’s up to me, to be easier to get along with, and to just be a kinder person in general.
I’ve also come to terms with the fact that I have to make an effort, and be the best that I can be. I want a future, and I want to be the person I know I’m capable of being. I’m done making excuses and telling myself that I can’t. I know in my heart that I can, and if I try and succeed, I will.
I guess I’ve realized that I have to take responsibility for some things that I’ve been turning a blind eye to.
This is my life, there are no second chances. If I don’t do this now, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
I’m ready. I can do it. I know I can.

I believe

I believe in happiness.
I believe in equal rights for all.
I believe in gay rights.
I believe in women’s rights.
I believe in animal’s rights.
I believe in world peace.
I simply can’t understand people who can look at someone and judge them based on something as trivial as the color of their skin, their gender or their sexual orientation. In my eyes, these things are as unimportant as hair color, or eye color. It’s one small piece of information that absolutely does not tell you everything there is to know about that person.
I have friends who are gay and I see the pain they feel everyday day with being called a “faggot” or some other immature and hurtful word. The way I see it, if a man isn’t comfortable being around gay men, that man isn’t comfortable with his own sexuality and it has more to do with the person saying the word, than the person whom it was directed at.
I’ve learned that being gay isn’t something you can change. It’s just the way you’re born. People who believe gay’s can be “cured” need a serious wake up call.
I know one person in particular hasn’t become open about being gay because he knows that his parents will no longer speak with him once they find out. I’ve told him time and time again that if they aren’t going to speak to their own son simply because of the gender he is attracted to, then they don’t deserve to have him as a part of their lives.
Some of my very best friends are gay or bisexual, girls and boys alike. Some I found out about after we became friends, and some I knew about before we were friends. I don’t see any bit of difference, and I know that my life wouldn’t be the same without them.
Gay, straight, Black, white, woman, man, Christian, Buddhist, atheist.
In my eyes we’re all people, and we all deserve a chance to find true happiness.

I feel empty. I feel like I’m the shell of the person I used to be. I feel like this is all a dream and eventually I’ll wake up and I’ll be myself again.
I go through the day, being the same person I ever was, laughing, smiling. Then at night, when I’m laying in bed I feel like none of it was real. It’s all just a blur.
And I don’t know why. Nothing in particular has happened to me to make me unhappy.
I’ve felt this way since the beginning of the Christmas break. I’ll find myself just feeling like I’m about to cry, and not knowing why. People ask me what’s wrong, and I find myself not having an answer because I simply don’t know. Some days I’ve just wanted to lay down, and not do anything.
The only word I can find to describe the way I feel is “blah”.
I wish I knew what was causing this, because then maybe I could fix it. But I just have no idea.

Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.

I feel like everyone has these expectations of me, and lately, one by one I’m slowly but surely letting everyone down. My parents, my friends, my teachers.
It’s like everyone thought I was this responsible, nice, smart, good person and everyone is realizing that I am none of those things.
I just wish no one ever had any good expectations of me, because then I would never be letting someone down.
I just don’t feel like I’m good enough anymore. I don’t want to eat, and I don’t want to talk, and I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything but lay in bed. Not even to sleep. Just to lay down and think. I’m not even sure what I’m thinking about. Just everything, I guess.
It feels like I’ve made this great little world out of all my friends, and my family and my grades. For a while now, everything has been going great. Everyone’s been happy, and there hasn’t been any drama. Over the past few weeks, all of a sudden, it’s like the walls are caving in around me. And I have no where to run. No one to protect me. No one to tell me everything is all right. I think that’s because deep down, we all know everything isn’t going to be all right.

I miss you

I’m not going to lie anymore. I’m going to be honest. I’m going to be honest with you, but more importantly, I’m going to be honest with myself.
I miss you.
There, I said it. I miss you so bad it hurts. But I don’t wish we were still friends. I don’t wish we still talked. I only wish you hadn’t changed. I wish you were still the person I used to love. If you were, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that we would still talk, that we would still be the best of friends. Because when you were that person, you were one of the greatest friends I ever knew. I think I got to see a side of you that no one else saw. Because no one cared for you like I did. And I know the reason no one liked that we were friends is because no one saw the wonderful, generous, funny person I knew. I wish they’d had the chance to see that side of you, because if they did I know they would have loved you too.
I know that I need to move on though. I know that what we had is something we’ll never have together, ever again. That makes me sad, because I know it was special, but happy because I know that the pain is over. Also, I know that if I could change things, and make you the person I used to know so well, that I would. But that won’t ever happen. We’ve both made decisions that have influenced our relationship in one way or another.
So I guess all I’m saying is that I miss the you that I used to know. I want you to know how much you meant to me, and how often I think about you. I love you. Even if you aren’t the same person anymore, I know that person is still deep down inside of you.
I don’t know where the world is going to take us, but I can only hope you find true happiness, whatever happens.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning.

You don’t have to do this.
You don’t have to do this to yourself.
We’re here for you, you know we love you.
You know I’m always here if you want to talk about it, if you want some advice or if you just want to let off some steam.
What you’ve chosen to do is the last possible thing I think you should ever have to resort to. I know that I can’t possibly know what you’re going through right now, and I’m not even going to try and understand how much pain you must be feeling. But making that choice isn’t going to fix anything. In many ways it only makes it worse.
I know that you put up walls, and that although on the outside you’re laughing and smiling, I know that you’re broken on the inside. But we’re here. We’re all here for you. I will do whatever it takes to make you better. To make you happy. To make you smile, and really smile. I want you to be honestly and genuinely happy.
You’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever met, and you don’t deserve anything but the best. I know that, and we all know that, the only person who doesn’t know that, is you.

You've got troubles, I've got 'em too. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. We'll stick together to see it through cause you've got a friend in me.
There are so many people who just seem to make life worthwhile. They're there for me when I want to laugh, or cry. They always support me, and they always know exactly what to say.

They are my whole world, and I couldn't live without them.